Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
