I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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