Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
