Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
send nudes
from the living room?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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