I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize