When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
