My liver just broke up with me...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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