Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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