if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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