I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
