i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
