What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
