Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
