so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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