Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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