He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
