the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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