i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
