theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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