he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
