last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
