I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
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Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
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Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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