I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
