craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
