i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
