I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
