It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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