its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
