just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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