I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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