and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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