grandma shit on top of the toilet
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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