I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
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If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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