I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
