So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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