so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
