My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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