I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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