I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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