y did u give ur computer a hand job?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
