Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
