it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
