I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
