Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
