Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
