mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
