True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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