I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
