"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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