So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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