Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
