I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
