Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
