textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
