We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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