I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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