I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
